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| The Warning Swerve | | Print | |
| Written by Joeprah | |
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Recently returning home from Cape May, NJ our family had an abnormally hellish ride home. We have three daughters and during our stay in Cape May they all managed to find dozens of amazing sea shells. Now, let me start by saying I am not the kind of guy that gets excited about sea shells but the sea shells they found were actually kind of impressive. My girls found many different kinds of shells over the course of the weekend but the really special ones were the conch shells. They found conch shells ranging from about a half an inch in height to several inches. One of the most large and brilliant shells actually had a resident still inside and this resident, of course, did not want to come out. The only way to get the creature out of the shell was to cook him out. After a boiling the shell with the mollusk in side for nearly ten minutes, the mollusk finally relinquished his control on the shell. The removal of this mollusk from the conch shell was the last thing we did before we packed our car left for home and we noticed that the process had left the kitchen smelling offensive to say the least. We thought nothing of stench in the kitchen since the creator of the smell was now gone and out of our lives…so we thought. At about the twenty mile mark on our way home our minivan began to smell like the oceans rear-end. The smell that envelops a family during long road trips is often unpleasant; however this smell different and like a thick blanket of fog it invaded the interior of our car much to the displeasure of all inside. As the driver of the stink-mobile, I was beginning to get irritated—no check that, extremely upset with each passing stink filled moment. To make matters worse, my kids (who desperately required the conch in the first place) were complaining. “Ew! What is that smell?!” The sound of a child whining is probably the best form of birth control. When a mom and dad have had a tough day with the kids usually the last thing on their minds is, “You know what? Let’s have another.” I think a few well placed whiny kids could change the teenage pregnancy statistics in the U.S. overnight. My particular children were covering their noses and My kids continued to whine even though they were told to calm down—the smell was that bad. Like all parents I have a breaking point. Apparently my breaking point requires the following ingredients: horrific odor, whiny kids, long car ride, and sand in my shorts. I think ten minutes of these specific environmental conditions could frazzle the most seasoned secret service agent. Up to this point my wife, bless her soul, had been trying to stifle the whining coming from the back seats of our minivan, it was now my turn. As I turned to tell my progeny to remain silent for the rest of their natural born lives, the car did a small swerve. Like when Reese married peanut butter and chocolate, I discovered something ground breaking with that swerve. It turns out that the “swerve” was a more effective measure than my verbal tongue lashing at calming—check that, frightening my kids into submission. The “swerve” wasn’t dangerous or damaging in any way, just merely a swerve coupled with a dad turning around with eyes glaring in disapproval. The combination proved a useful measure to disquiet my rambunctious crew and although the remainder car ride home was painfully smelly it was at least whine free.
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Comments (20)
 
When I was 15 my parents had a baby. I'll agree... babies are the best form of birth control.... Now at thirty.. I'm still unattached and loving it. My cats take up enough of my time!
 1
November 14, 2008
Votes: +0
I just saw your video review on the Container on the Go (On Tray) And you had me cracking up! Your daughters are so cute (They must be close in age), and you kept feeding them, I love it!
Thanks for making my night!! :zzz 2
August 29, 2008
Votes: +0
I hope all is alright. You haven't quit blogging have you? I hope nothing catastrophic has happened at home.
3
August 27, 2008
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Hey Joe. Hope you're ok. Just catching up and noticed you've not posted for a while.
Take care. x 4
August 22, 2008
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Hey Joe where'd ya go? Haven't seen you pop up in my Google Reader in a while.
5
August 21, 2008
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My dad used to do the "swerve" on us when we were little. Unfortunately, he didn't think about the "scare the shit out of you" result. THAT was a stinky ride!
6
August 17, 2008
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I'm totally using this on our road trip to VA in a couple of weeks. There may be a LOT of swerving, as a matter of fact.
8
August 12, 2008
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Yo Joe, :?
Must've been a helluva swerve! You been good as gone for over a week now. Hope everything is cool in Joeprahland! MileHighDad  http://www.milehighdad.com/ 9
August 11, 2008
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I can't login anymore....I must have lost my password! I'm glad you all got home safe and in one piece...minus the smell!
 10
August 10, 2008
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LOL, I learned a similar trick. Only mine wasn't a swerve but a mere slight pull off at the side of the road and an evil glare. The sound of the tires on gravel worked just as well as the dog whisperer's touch to the hind quarters with a boot. All whining, complaining and arguing ended immediately.
11
August 09, 2008
Votes: +0
Ewww!! I would have just used the opportunity as a selfish excuse to teach them to respect life.
 "No, kiddies, we can't take that one because he's still alive..." No smell. lol @ the swerve though. 12
August 01, 2008
Votes: +0
GAWD, how I love accidental genius like that! It's like finding buried treasure, isn't it?
13
July 31, 2008
Votes: +0
Mark that car trick up there with the "Stop Short and Grab" trick from Seinfeld.
14
July 30, 2008
Votes: +0
Brilliant! This is seat-of-the-pants parenting at its best. I could even imagine the verbal accompaniment: "Don't make me roll the van!"
15
July 30, 2008
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Just an FYI - next time toss the conch in a bucket of water mixed with bleach. Leave there overnight, and the next morning you'll have a pristine shell w/ no smell. Just don't let the kiddies see the disturbing sight of a conch critter who kicked the bucket, inside the bucket. Bleach + ocean critters is not a pretty sight.
16
July 30, 2008
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I am laughing so hard I am crying! This reminded every trip my family ever took to the Eastern Shore of Maryland, except that my parents were brave enough to do so with six kids in a station wagon !!!
17
July 30, 2008
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I can see that you have a similar twisted sense of reason to my husband...
I'm sure that the two of you would get along!! :grin Jackie http://thoughtsfromthedeepend.net 18
July 30, 2008
Votes: +0
What are you going to do when your kids can start reading your blog and learn all your tricks?
19
July 29, 2008
Votes: +0 Write comment
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asking for the smell to go away. I know my kids think highly of me, but besides lighting the vehicle on fire (which I was thinking of doing) there was little I could do to mask the offensive scent that surrounded us. I was starting to wonder if the smell would ever come out of the car. I mean, how many pine-scented-car-fresheners would it take to diffuse the smell of rotting mollusk? 
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