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*Note: this post isn’t to suggest in any way that these techniques are to be used to discipline children, but rather its point is to shed light on the fact that we as parents tend to flip out on occasion and poke fun at the universal reality which is sometimes parents flip out.*  As parents it can be a struggle against impossible odds to keep our cool when our kids relentlessly assault us on many levels as both a parent and human being. With three girls myself it can be a losing battle many days. For instance, here’s a typical scenario, my eldest takes a toy from youngest--my youngest, a 3 year-old, throws a toy train hitting my eldest in the head (and runs off)--at that same moment my middle child puts her foot in her milk and spills it everywhere. In this hypothetical scenario I have one child crying because they know they are in trouble for hurting their sister, one child crying because they spilled milk everywhere (including all over herself), and one child is crying because a small train landed on their forehead mere seconds ago. The cacophony of such a situation is enough to make a heavy metal rock star beg for silence—I theorize, but what about us professional parents? Do you flip out? What happens when you do? How do we flip out correctly?
Flipping Out on All Your Kids In the above scenario you may have noticed that all of my progeny aided in creating a parenting situation that could easily send a stressed parent over the edge. If and when all of your kids have you with your proverbial back against the wall and you need to vent I feel that it is not only healthy to do so, but a valuable way to let out stress. But Joeprah, how do I flip out appropriately? This is where I would like to provide a bulleted list of ideas and techniques that will A) help you release stress, and B) have your kids in awe of you as both an individual and parent. Erupt I’m not talking a basic, “You wait until your father/mother gets home…” type of reaction, what I am looking for here is some classic flipping out.  How to Erupt
- Stop Everything that you are doing
- Become Silent for a brief moment (like the moment just before a volcano...well you know—erupts)
- This adds drama to an already tense situation. Your children are most likely looking for instant reprimand so it stands to reason that pauses and awkward silences will only add to the effectiveness of your eruption
- Flip Out, no hitting here or anything like that, just flip out
- Your soliloquy--a nice steady volumetric bellow where you go into a diatribe of why you need silence (being coherent is extra credit and not necessary)
If you follow those steps on erupting you will most certainly have your kids’ attention and will be able to discipline as need be with the stress being released from your body thus avoiding you either striking your children or eating many extra helpings of dessert later that evening. Act Crazy I don’t mean break dishes or claim to be the Queen of England, but something more calculated and fun. How to Act Crazy - Yell something comical and inappropriate in that circumstance like, “A Sea Monster ate my Ice Cream!!!,” or “I love backgammon!!!” First, yelling is a great stress release and a natural end result of being a parent many days—why not make it interesting? Second, your kids will be soooo in the dark why you yelled what you yelled that they will likely forget about the peanut butter in their sock for a second and totally pay attention to you.
- Slap yourself (your kids will be all like, dayum…if mom/dad just did that to themselves…what’s in store for me?)
- Squeeze a banana really hard
- Pretend to be a horse (note: don’t act like a badger)
- Jog in place while ignoring kids (kinda bush league material but a nice "go to" act of craziness in a pinch)
Get creative here, don’t let your kids walk all over you, let them know that there are limits to their stupidity and what you as a human being are expected to take. Don’t just act crazy and let them think you are crazy, get them to laugh about it, settle them down and then punish the heck out of them. ThreatenNow, with all the child advocacy groups out there you need to make sure your windows are shut for this one, but as controversial as this technique is--it is still one to strongly consider using. How to Threaten - Be Extreme—I think it is important to claim you will enact some kind of ridiculous method of discipline if your kids don’t stop all acting like idiots.
How to Be Extreme Sample things that can be said to threaten in an extreme way: “Do you want to get spanked with bricks?!” “Do you want to get spanked with rocks?!” “Do you want me to taser you? Huh? Do ya?” “Don’t make me thump your skull!” “Don’t make me flog you!!” (Note: hard to say without laughing) - My personal favorite “Run into my hand as fast as you can!!” (which is like saying "spank yourself with my hand")
“I will beat you into a bloody pulp!” (Note: I have never said that one, but my parents said it to me countless times and it is so amazingly extreme it needed to be included—I mean a “bloody pulp?!” holy sh— that’s extreme!) Once again, have fun with this and get creative. Remember to be yourself, if you aren’t a tortuous type of person just rely on the normal threats of horrific violent acts no matter how unlikely they are to actually happen. The end result is your child will know you aren’t a person to be trifled with. Once again, I am not suggesting to be violent rather simply to be scary. Give UpAnother effective way to flip out interestingly enough is to do nothing at all. How to Give Up - No matter what you are doing—stop
- Once you have stopped what you are doing—go back to bed
- Pull the covers over yourself and relax
- Wait there until the kids become quiet (note: won’t work in serious situations, just when kids are being kids—also, never leave stove top on, oven running or iron on unless you are completely psycho)
Results Now what is the end result of all this “flipping out?” - You will have your children’s attention
- You will have your children's respect
- Your children will have quieted down
- You will relieve yourself of unwanted stress
This is a case of a clear win-win. Flipping Out on One of Your Children When one of your children have been completely stupid either nearly injuring him/herself or others, or perhaps they are simply destroying something of value you may of course employ any of the previously listed flipping out tactics on them, but there are some other niche techniques to think about when you want to flip out on just one child. Physical IntimidationKids, generally, are unaware that they have created a mess until you awake them from their psuedo fugue state. For instance, a kid/toddler could start bounding towards a busy road and not know that they are A) in harm’s way, B) pissing you off, and C) about to be totally flipped out on. How to Physically Intimidate Your Child (Safely): - Grab Child by Their Hand and Lead them Away from a Dangerous Situation Abruptly
- Pick Child up and Carry Them Away from a Dangerous Situation Abruptly
- Get All Up in a Child’s Grill (that is street talk for face--yo) and Point them in the Direction of Safety—Abruptly
- Once Child is in a Safer Place, Carry them into their Room and shut the door—Abruptly
- If Child isn’t in harm’s way and just being destructive or otherwise pissing you off, Carry them into their Room and shut the door--Abruptly
Extreme Timeouts and YouTimeouts can be the everyday, “Sit on the steps for two minutes and think it over,” variety or the, “Go to your room and stay there for the rest of your natural born life” deals. I am, of course, speaking of the latter. Extreme timeouts aren’t always effective if your children like to be in their rooms, but they are effective during meal time—no matter what. How to Make Extreme Timeouts Work for You - Initially make the duration extreme (any time between an hour until eternity will do here, undisclosed durations are also fine)
- Communicate to your child via your other children or notes (makes them feel isolated)
- Have other children bring them food (note: nothing messy here and nothing too tasty—think bland, crackers and water maybe) as this will make them feel isolated and like a detainee
- Give Ultimatums
- Examples:
- You can come out when you are ready to apologize
- You can come out when you have written an apology note
- You can come out when you have memorized the U.S. Constitution (or maybe Robert Frost’s poem “Out, Out— “ get creative here)
*Note: if the child in question is an only child you can ask a friend to help you deliver food, notes or terms of their punishment* Involve Monsters
Children that are under the age of 5 generally accept the existence of mythical monsters without question—here you can use this to your advantage.  How to Involve Monsters when Flipping Out
- If you know your child is scared of something—play on it, like if you know they hate “Swiper the Fox” from Dora you could say something like, “You know Swiper will eat you if he finds out you were drawing on my wall. You want me to tell him?” They will immediately cease and desist all mischievousness if faced with monster circumstances.
- Tell them a monster is coming—A scared child is a child less likely to enrage you and one you can control much more easily. Here you could be all like, “Oh! What’s that I hear? Yep! There’s a monster outside...and by the sound of it they are right down the street. They only come when kids are misbehaving…umm… I would totally stop hitting the cat with that train track—he might eat you."
- Tell them a monster knows—A child with a conscience is a child thinking about the repercussions of their actions. If you have use the "a monster is coming" technique your child will be prepared for the “monster knows” approach. If your child is about to do something really bad and you see it you can be all like on their side about it and say something like, “Umm, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I heard on the news that Grimlock was looking for kids to eat today and that would totally set him off.”
The Look
“The Look” is one of the best non-verbal ways to communicate with your child that you are totally flipping out inside without having to actually flip out. To be noted, this method will not work unless you have already flipped out on your kids in the past. A child with no reference point will disregard "the look" only further enraging the person attempting to use "the look." How to Give “The Look” - Stop what you are doing emphatically--like you were interupted from possibly the most important task you have ever attempted and on the verge of a break-through (picture interupting Genghis Khan during a raid to ask him for an autograph)
- Turn dramatically towards your child who is misbehaving (like in slo-mo—think “The Matrix”)
- Glare intensely at child like you are trying to use laser-superman-like-vision to give them a warning via retinal burn
- Resume what you were doing
These are ways to flip out on a single child and have been proven effective. Some parents are claiming extraordinary results using these techniques, so clearly these are great ways to A) release stress and B) keep a child disciplined. But what if your child has friends or cousins/relatives over to play with them and they are acting up? What then Joeprah? Flipping Out on Your Kids When Friends or Relatives Kids are Present Inevitably there will come a time when your kids have friends over or perhaps they are playing with their cousins. If, during these moments your child does something malevolent in nature how do we as parents respond? During these moments is it possible to still flip out? Never fear--flipping out is always an option. During these situations, when witnesses are present to the shear awesomeness of your flipping out capabilities, tact is in order. On the flipping-out-o-meter I would dial it down a bit (think like about a 7 out of 10). You can still get a decent flip out on, but nothing too controversial here. Effective Flipping Out Techniques When Friends are Over - Yell child’s name loudly immediately followed by “the look”
- Simply utilize “the look”
- Pull child aside using a loud, sinister, whisper and say something like, “Get over here right now!” The emphasis should be put on the words ‘get’ and ‘right’ in this instance. Use your index finger to motion for your child to ‘come.’ Congrats! You have effectively placed your child on flip out island and the only inhabitants are the two of you. Gulp. Now you are free to do a mini flip out session—use one of the techniques we discussed earlier.
- Threaten to send other children home
- Send other children home--this is perhaps the most diabolical of all the flipping out options as there is little hope for a child when their friends have been sent home--they will be flipped out on.
There are some obvious benefits of flipping out during these situations like better behavior, quieter children, children who play nicely together. There are also some other benefits that aren’t as obvious when you flip out when your child has friends over. One great benefit is that your child knows that they cannot get away with misbehaving when they have friends over, but perhaps more significantly your child’s friends now know that they themselves are in the presence of a parent that flips out and they need to be on their toes. Score. There you have it, I have just outlined how to flip out on your children. This post is printable and emailable, so I suggest keeping a copy of it with you at all times and sending it off to any parent you know. Keep one on the fridge, one in your purse, man bag or wallet (you may need to fold it several times), and one in the fire proof box next to your wills and birth certificates. Use a highlighter to emphasize some of your favorite pointers and practice some of the ones that you haven’t used yet in front of a mirror. Flipping out is an art form akin to ballet except there is usually more yelling--it takes practice. Best of luck and please share any of your own special flipping out techniques with the group. Word.
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