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Blog The Blog Parenting Issues My Kid is Smarter/Stronger/Better Than Yours: Comparitivitis
Blog The Blog Parenting Issues My Kid is Smarter/Stronger/Better Than Yours: Comparitivitis | My Kid is Smarter/Stronger/Better Than Yours: Comparitivitis | | Print | |
| Written by Joeprah | |
 On a recent playgroup date I had I was sitting there talking to a group of moms and it happened. One mom was talking about the developmental milestones of their toddler and said something like, “My _____ (insert trendy name like Caden here) was walking at around 10 months.” For all of you that don’t know, that’s kind of early to start walking but not unheard of for sure. Soon after mom #1 had said this, mom #2 chimed in with, “Oh my ____ (insert different trendy name like August here) was walking at 7 months.” Now 10 months isn’t ridiculous, but 7 months…yeah, way early to be walking. What is at work here? What I have come to realize is that there are two groups of parents; one group has a reasonable understanding for their child’s skills, while the other group of parents have a warped view of their child’s abilities. I have been in playgroup settings where it is literally a competition between 2 or 3 moms who are in one way or another highlighting their kid’s attributes to near mythical proportions. All the while I see the tots slobbering all over toys and each other and gnawing on seat cushions. Where are all the geniuses I wonder? After doing some research, I found there is actually a diagnosable condition called comparitivitis. Yeah, I’m serious. Comparitivitis or Hyper Parenting Disorder has many faces. It could come in the form of a mom that swears up and down that little Casey was reading at 14 months while playing the cello or it could be the dad flipping out in the stands watching his 4-year-old trip over a soccer ball. It may be the parent that over schedules activities for their kids or a mom or dad that is a complete pushover and will give into any request their kids ask of them. For many parents, the problems don’t end there. Some parents use hyper parenting to compare their own children. “Emily was reading way earlier than you, Sally, what’s your problem?” If you find yourself comparing your kids with other children or even their siblings you may be hyper parenting. I have met many hyper parents in my short stint as a dad, so I can say that I see there is a problem out there that needs some attention. Here are a few links that shed light on the issue of Hyper Parenting: Have you ever met a parent suffering from comparitivitis? Have you yourself had issues in this department?
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Comments (33)
 
As a kindergarten teacher, I get those hyper-competitive parents all the time. The worst is when they ask "how is my child doing compared to the other children in your class?" Yuck - what a terrible question - and do you really want me to use your child as the subject of comparison when another parent asks me that same question? My response usually starts with "childhood is a journey, not a race". I hope that puts it into perspective for them....
1
July 16, 2008
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I don't know any of those yet... I grew up with the opposite kind of dad.
me: Dad, how old was I when I started walking? dad: I don't know. me: writing? dad: I don't know. Why the hey would I keep track of those things?  2
July 13, 2008
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My favorite comment for parents who brag about their kids ad nauseum ... I'd like to meet their kid in 20 years. Then I'll let 'em know whether I'm impressed.
 3
July 11, 2008
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You want to see Hyper Parenting en masse, join the PTA. I thought my head would explode; my mantra became "Smile & disengage. Smile & disengage."
But hey, my kids walked out of my uterus. Beat that. 4
July 11, 2008
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Thankfully this is one parenting condition I do not suffer from at all. Actually, if someone asks when my kids started to walk it takes me like a good two minutes to make sure I am giving them the right answer for the right kid.
5
July 11, 2008
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I try to be the opposite of those comparativitis-suffering parents. I stop those parents in their tracks with, "Wow, that's really something. My daughter only has ONE tooth" and often that makes them feel a little silly so they backtrack and say something complementary. I just worry about going too far and actually negating my daughter's cute little "talents". I tend to do that with my own accomplishments. Where is the happy medium, Joeprah? Don't you have all the answers, like your [del]less famous[/del] namesake? I'll totally buy any book you tell me to.
6
July 10, 2008
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i may have told peeps that my girls both walked at b/t 8 or 9 months, but only because it's the truth. but i also tell them that my oldest, my son who is 21 now, took a year and a half (he started running as some do when they're older walkers). i do know where you're coming from though. i see peeps like that. it's really prevalent among like sports mom/dads or you know, activities. i always say that people should have realistic expectations about their kids' abilities. some go on and on about how great their kid is and they're really just mediocre. what does that teach a kid if you fill their heads with crap? when my kids do something they're good at, i tell them so...but i also say that they should remember there's always someone somewhere out there that is better than you. i think that it works in keeping them from being cocky.
8
July 10, 2008
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My SIL has this affliction. Our daughters are only six months apart in age (mine is older.) I can't say anything about mine without her trying to 'one up me.'
Me: Can you believe JM had a fender-bender after only driving her new car two weeks? SIL: That's nothing AR had two in just a week. I kid you not, it's that bad - actual conversation. :x 9
July 10, 2008
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I had a friend who was really bad about this. She once bragged to me that her 3yo had homework every night from preschool. I told her there was something wrong with her preschool. I didn't hear from her much after that. :grin
Because my youngest was pretty early in her gross motor development I generally avoid answering those questions. My daughter is a freak & first timers don't understand that early walking is NOT a good thing. It has been harder to avoid the comparisons with my sister. Her oldest & my youngest are 6 months apart & we've been trying to one up each other our whole lives. I am guilty about comparing my boys to each other. E~ is good about picking up his toys, while G~ would rather eat poop. It's hard to not whip out the comparison in a moment of frustration. Like this moment where G~ is crying because he has a handful of Playmobil to put away. However, because of your post, I told him no Popsicle instead of saying something about E~ & his perfectly organized Lego's. Kristen 10
July 09, 2008
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I am on #4 -and they seem to be getting better in their abilities and intelligence- though I credit myself.
My oldest is 13 and I have seen the "comparison" thing come and bite the parents in the ass down the road! Some of the amazingly 'gifted', great motor skills babies from the playgroups are turning into delinquents- can you say high expectations? 11
July 09, 2008
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Yo Joe, :upset
Good topic bro'! I have always looked at it like it's the mom or dad who is stroking their own ego by pointing out how "happenin" their kid is. As in "little Sally would not be so advanced in her learning if it were not for me and my superior child rearing skills". Oh please! That's just an observation I have picked up on over the years by the tone of voice used by the egotistical parent when we were at the playground. -MileHighDad *) http://www.milehighdad.com/ 12
July 09, 2008
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Agreed on the good influence! I'm re-visiting how I discipline and interact with my girls and this post was a great reminder of an easy trap to fall into.
13
July 09, 2008
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It's funny that you posted this as I was thinking much of the same thing while watching the WonderSis and her playgroup. While initially I felt it wasn't too severe - I fear that now the moms have taken it 1 step further:
One by one, each of them are getting pregnant all over again. Thankfully, our newborn has made any possibilities of that happening very slim. 14
July 09, 2008
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What makes me laugh are the people who ask, "Is she sleeping through the night yet?" And when I say "yes," they immediately erupt with "Oh, really?!? Already?!? Wow!! That's amazing!" As a new parent, I don't think I was prepared for what a big deal that was. It wasn't something I ever thought to 'brag' about, but it sure does get some people excited.
15
July 09, 2008
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What a spot on post! (I'm diggin your blog man)
I had the "Competitiveness between siblings" disorder. In fact it's also pretty common. I like to compare at how fast one did this at that age, and how tall they are. I also like to compare between genders. I look at how fast girls of my boy's age are, and have come to the theory that little girls grow like weeds, and little boys like grass. It's a strange science I know, but I'm addicted. :grin 16
July 09, 2008
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Good stuff Joe. Thanks for sharing the links too. I know a few parents who are like this, but thankfully not too many. I'm very proud of my kids, but I don't like to compare them to others. It just makes for an uncomfortable conversation of one-ups-manship.
17
July 09, 2008
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:grin I didn't know that there is a term for this. I guess that parents are always proud of their kids achievement but it can get way overboard when they start bragging and competing it is never ending.
I would normally reply " That's great XXX can recite the whole song. Could she recite it to me now. Would definately like to hear it. :grin It normally would leave the parent stumped if the kid was not co-operative.18
July 09, 2008
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@3stairs: Thanks for the suggestion! It's kind of hard to pull off with the oldest child (14), and it won't really be effective with my youngest (11 months). But the subtle change to the words really makes a difference.
I got caught in the comparativitis trap comparing my stepson to me. "I can't believe he did such a boneheaded thing! When I was 12, I would have never dreamed of doing that! My parents would've killed me!" Fortunately, I haven't run into this one-upmanship (or one upmomship) in my encounters with other parents. I'm either lucky or sheltered. I hoped my daughter would start walking early like I did, but I'm not disappointed. 19
July 09, 2008
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This post actually led to me saying, "It would be really nice if you would fix your bed" instead of "Why can't you fix your bed like your sister?" tonight. Huzzah for good influence!
20
July 09, 2008
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Sad but true. I try hardnot to compare my kids to each other... When the telltale "Your sister did such and such better than you" rattles around in my head, I have to bite my tongue not to say it out loud. Same goes for when a parent starts telling me how much better their kids are than mine. What can I say? It's human nature!
21
July 09, 2008
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My one year old can spell Comparitivitis, how about yours?
Just kidding, but I can see how there is a fine line between being a proud parent (me) and having Comparitivitis. I sure hope my pride about my son doesn't come across to most that way, but everyone will interpret what you say their own way. So as long as you are not putting down another kid (even without knowledge), while speaking of your own child you are probably doing ok. Either that, I am delusional. 22
July 09, 2008
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In time, kids recognize their own differences, they really don't need our help. That said, I spend my energy teaching my kids to use the talents they have been given and to appreciate the talents of others. My son is an exceptional athlete but he has good friends that are not. He doesn't rub it in their face and he will say things like, "you are so good at _____ (insert non-athletic talent of your choice), I wish I could do that." What I get most irritated with is the parents trying to live out some failed dream they wanted through their child. So I didn't get to be the drummer for the GoGo's, should I put all my energy into making that happen for my kids? I think not!
23
July 09, 2008
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Man I'm sure first time parents are guilty of this...as it's all they know. After a few pop out, it gets less and less impressive for them to compare theirs to others. After child 2 and 3, they're just happy if they eat their vegetables and mind.
Since I'm only one my first, I'm sure I've had this issue a time or two but try not to. At least I'm aware of it and try not to give my son that kind of pressure. It makes for a hard life for little Johnny when his parents set him up for perfection his whole life...he'll never measure up. 24
July 09, 2008
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"You won't believe how stupid my kids are!" I use the same concept but add a little sarcasm. I was ready to send my Jimmy to school in diapers he wouldn't potty train. I thought I'd be pushing my Jenny in a wheel chair at graduation because she was so late in learning to walk.
25
July 08, 2008
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I tell them yours are dumb too...I think it just settles down the crowd when I do this. Seriously, I bust on my kids all the time and you are so right about it catching parents off guard.
26
July 08, 2008
Votes: +0  3 Stairs, That's all...sigh. Tell "Johnny" that my two year old is pulling down 7 figures, but is currently trying to decide where to mount the Nobel Prize Award she received for her work in the field of medicine--most notably curing cancer. But, w/e, :roll go Johnny go. LOL 27
July 08, 2008
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Guilty as charged. But I'm not as bad as most.
(Honestly, Miss L is the best drooler at the age of three months!) 28
July 08, 2008
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I just tell people things like, "You won't believe how stupid my kids are!" That usually catches them off-guard, since this hyper parenting disorder seems to be expected in parental conversation.
29
July 08, 2008
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Great post and info. I'm ashamed to admit that for all my vigilance in not comparing my children to other children, I have compared them to each other. Well, barf - there goes my "World's Most Perfect Parent" award. That's okay, though, because little Johnny spoke at 1 month, was potty trained at 6 months, spoke 4 languages at 2, is a genetic science prodigy and classical pianist at 3, and is going to start college in the fall!
30
July 08, 2008
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Ugh... unfortunately I have come into close contact with someone that suffers from that condition. It's horrible! I used to not talk about my daughter at all in front of her for fear of wanting to punch her in the face. She would not shut up about her kid being perfect in this or perfect in that. It's sad really.
31
July 08, 2008
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I will admit that our son is above average in many areas (I may have a mild case of this serious infliction), but I don't go around bragging. The only time we ever discuss his amazing talents or early development in public is when somebody else notices and brings it up first. We try to keep it tame though.
There's a lady at my work that constantly talks about how her children spoke four languages by the time they were four years old and how they were incredible math geniuses. It's ridiculous because both of her daughters are losers as adults. I hate when people get into competitions over who's child is better. 32
July 08, 2008
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Good topic, man. I have definitely come across this in our daughter's three years, and it can really be annoying for sure. I may have even been guilty of getting sucked in to it once or twice. Its really hard when someone is implying that their child is in someway superior to yours to just sit back and let them make fools of themselves. But at least I know there's a term for it now!
33
July 08, 2008
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