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| Unknown Name, Unknown Number | | Print | |
| Written by Joeprah | |
The following is a letter to those unknown people who call me from unknown numbers:
Dear Unknown Name that calls me from an Unknown Number, Why do you call me? Do you know that I instinctively answer the phone without checking the number first? How could you know that I am programmed through muscle memory to be proficient at picking up a cordless phone and pressing a single button connecting us in a two way conversation? Do you know when I am eating? Is this why you call me? You want to talk to me when I am eating a piping hot piece of pizza and guzzling a perfectly poured soda that has already had the foam dissipated by my nose sweat, don’t you? I made that soda for my enjoyment and as the ice starts to melt the flavor intensity declines and I become a beast of my former self, I owe this to you my new friend Mr. Unknown. The pizza was at the correct temperature, piping hot—not piping warm, Richard. Mr. Unknown Name, why do you ask me if I would like to participate in a survey about my buying habits/political views/TV show viewing preferences? And why are you afraid to display your real number? How did you make your number “unknown?” Can I make my number “unknown?” Are you the devil? calling me from Sheol? Is that how it works? Mr. Unknown Name why do you call asking me if I would like to refinance? I did the first twelve times but I currently have no more leeway in my present mortgage or any of my several Home Equity Mortgages. Do you and your unknown friends take credit for the current economic crisis unfolding in our country? Do you take pride in predatory lending practices? I would talk longer but I am off to a supplemental job my family requires just to make ends meet because our mortgage is bloated and disgusting, you know, like your profit margins. Hello Mr. Unknown Name. Oh, it’s you my friends from the State Police calling to extort /ask me for a donation to support your government funded program that is funded from the dizzying amount of taxes that my family and friends pay year in and out to our state. Oh, you need more money. So, what you’re telling me is that my state, the state we both live in, took my money, mishandled it and now you don’t have enough to operate your worthy program. I understand you need more money, but don’t you think you should be calling the state government and asking them to handle their business a bit better instead of calling the hard working citizenry and trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip? You are surprised I can’t give you $50? Nope, I can’t manage $35 or $25. Look, I am really sorry, call your state legislature and tell them I sent you. And you, Mr. Unknown, I love donating to the poor, but why don’t you tell me who you are? You also call me way too often. Do you think I am some sort of Rockefeller? You call me once a month, that’s more than most of my family; we should be on a first name basis by now. I still don’t have anything to give you and to be honest I can’t decide if I should sell my goods to pay off the guy from the State Police or if I should give you my used and unwanted items. Between you and me, that guy from the State Police scared me. He knows where I live and that I didn’t pay, will I still get service? Am I on a list? Do you know him? Can you talk to him for me? Yours truly, Insert the name of the next person you call here
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