Dads everywhere know what I’m talking about when I say that children around the ages of 2-3 reach critical mass in the height department.  Once a child reaches “junk” height they become a danger to dads, uncles and granddads alike.  The amount of pain they inflict on an adult male can only be described as shocking.  Toddlers are the perfect weapon. 

Why are they the perfect weapon?

• They have little to no conscience
• Their heads are large in comparison to their bodies thus causing them to lean forward when they run
• They run constantly
• They are very difficult to get angry at
• They attack without notice

Some people think toddlers are cute and I agree—for the most part.  But what many people fail to acknowledge is that each toddler has a dark side.  Toddlers alone aren’t difficult to handle, but rarely do they inflict mortal damage on a guy’s satchel without an accomplice.  Toddler’s accomplices come in all shapes and sizes.  An accomplice can be someone who simply deters a man’s attention away from a toddler long enough for them to get a head start and barrel into their mid-section.  Some accomplices are inanimate objects like the television or an open refrigerator.  Toddlers can sense a distracted male like sharks smelling blood in the open ocean.  Refer to video:   

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on Friday May 16, 2008

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* Warning: if you get offended over satirical posts; first, shame on you; second, you may skip this post and wait for something simpler in design *

I think many other dad bloggers may have noticed that once they have categorized themselves as a “dad blogger” they have almost instantly given themselves a mortal blog wound.  What I mean is that many female/mom bloggers don’t give men/daddy bloggers the time of day, simply because of their protuberances.  I have noticed many times in the past that moms will leave me comments like, “I don’t normally read dad blogs, but…” or “I told myself that I wouldn’t read any dad blogs, but…” or “The ladies in my sewing circle are going to kill me for reading your blog, but…” 

I know there are quite a few ladies who don’t subscribe to this philosophy, I call them Joeprah/Busy Dad readers, but there are many ladies who just don’t give us dads a fair look.  So, Ladies, what’s the problem?  Why don’t you frequent dad blogs with the same intensity that you frequent mom blogs?

I enlisted the help of some mom/female blogging friends on Twitter and some friends not on Twitter (I know, they’re out there--weird right?).  These ladies simply stoked my creative fires, so don’t blame them for my mediocrity.  They helped in the formation of the list, but in no way are they responsible for all the idiotic things I write. So, in no order whatsoever, here they are:

Missy from JThomasBlog

Christine from Serenity How

Moms Group Manual for MomsGroupManual

Cool Moms Rule from CoolMomsRule

A Buns Life from BunsLife

The Bean Blog from TheBeanBlog

and, finally, Fragile Heart from FragileHeart

Thanks ladies! 

So here is the definitive list of nine reasons why moms and mom bloggers primarily surf mom blogs:

• Testosterone. Period.  Dad blogs have it, mom blogs don’t.  They smell/fear/yawn in the presence of it.

• Estrogen, or the lack thereof -  Apparently, moms can smell estrogen embedded in any font/web address.  A pink background is apparently a must in the mom blogging community and anytime a mom happens across another said pink blog they are lulled into an estrogen-induced state of euphoria. Men and dads who blog have less pink if any whatsoever and this confuses the female internet surfer and usually has them rushing for the back button faster than you can say Extra Strength Motrin.  This has little or nothing to do with the website, but rather, the website's color.
  

• Empathy – women identify with other women somehow.  I really don’t understand because the person I am closest to is my wife, not some other dude.  Sausage party?  No thanks.  Women, though, congregate in groups like ants.  They look for those going through the same stuff as they are.  All of like mind, very impressive/scary.  There are many mom blog directories/communities like mom café, blog mama, the mom blogs, the mom blog network, etc. etc.  There are currently zero dad blog directories that I know of.

• Content – women like to read what other ladies have to say no matter what it is.  I read a ton of blogs and many are mom blogs.  I have read some posts on mom blogs which are either a picture with a caption or a sentence saying, “I don’t know what I am going to blog about today…” and they somehow get like 90 comments and a boat load of traffic.  I am dumbfounded.  I spend like 15 minutes a piece on photoshopped images, not to mention animated gifs and let’s not forget the completely amazing writing and videos I produce and I get like 10 comments and three are mine.  What gives?

• Gossip – women like to read other ladies blogs so they can stay up to date with gossip.  Women, as a group, like to be in other people's business which explains the longevity of Soap Opera's Mexican or US based.  Now internet gossip is still gossip, albeit virtual gossip, but it is still gossip nonetheless.  I see so many posts on blogs when women are basically trashing their relatives, neighbors, husbands, goldfish, w/e and other women follow up continuing the gossip train, fanning the fuels of the gossip fire so to speak, an interactive Soap Opera. 

• Whining – apparently whining is a very subjective/gender related issue.  Women denote whining as any question a guy asks ever or how we act when we get sick (fact: men just get more intensely sick than women), so their tolerance for male related questions (i.e. whining) is very small to non-existent thus explaining why many don't frequent male blogs. 

• Advice – women look to other women for advice and tips on how to do virtually anything in their lives: cook, clean, deal with life, etc.  Women are smarter than guys in this aspect perhaps because they come equipped with less pride allowing them to ask and seek out answers to questions they couldn’t answer on their own.  Men, on the other hand, will proudly drive for an hour without stopping because we hate admitting we have no idea what the hell we are doing. 

• Sympathy – Ladies like for someone to be all like, “Aww, you have it soooo tough.”  I call this the “pity party” factor, ladies call it a “support system.”  I say Toe-May-toe, you say Toe-Mah-toe. 

• Dislike of men – some women, I am convinced, do not read dad blogs because they just plain old don’t like guys.  Might be something in particular that men have done to forever scare them or perhaps they simply think men are stupid and not worth the time of day.  The groups of women that dislike men include militant feminists, non-militant feminists, business ladies, ladies, broads, chicks, stay at home moms, stay at home broads, moms, young ladies, young chicks, and young broads.  I have no idea how women could not like men, but whatever that’s broads for you.     

So there you have it, a definitive list meant to entertain but will surely get the ire of someone from blog land.  Are you a mom blogger?  Is there any merit to this list whatsoever?  Are you a dad blogger?  Do you see it to be more difficult to break into the world of blogging as a parent since you are a dude?  Do you think you get the shaft from mom bloggers? 

Assistant Joeprah Editors on this Post Include:

Jeremy
 

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on Tuesday May 6, 2008

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After being in the playgroup circuit for over 7 years, I have started to discover that certain conversations and certain words are more an affront to me as a Chuck Norris fearing dude.  I, like all guys, compete, so I have created a game that all men everywhere can partake in if they ever go to a playgroup.  

Now, for some unknown reason, ladies think that playgroups are both "gossip time" and also time to talk about their pregnancies so I have created a list of key words and their respective point totals in a game format so that you, an average guy, can find out just how much estrogen you have been exposed to. The point system below was devised based on how difficult certain words are to hear for a guy.  Here is how the scoring system works:

The Playgroup Play Along Game for Dads

• "McDreamy" (1 point)
• "McSteamy" (2 points)
• "Latte" (1 point)
• "Starbucks Latte" (2 points)
• George Clooney (1 point)
• Brad Pitt (2 points)
• "Period" or "That Time of the Month" (1 point)
• "Crampy" (2 points)
• "Retaining Water" (3 points)
• "Did you see her hair?" (1 point)
• "Did you see what she was wearing?" (2 points)
• "She is such a _______" (3 points)
• "Ann Taylor"  (1 point)
• "Longaberger"  (2 points)
•  "Prada" (3 points)
• "Breastfeeding" (1 point) **
  
• "Sore/Chafing Nipples" (2 points) **
• "Breast Pump" (3 point) **

**special thanks to Pete, Pete Rules for pointing out the breastfeeding issue**

The Next Section is the Pregnancy Section and contains ideas as well as terminology

• How difficult their pregnancy was (1 point per mom talking about this)
  
• the labor pains (1 point per mom talking about it)
• "Episiotomy" (give yourself 5 points if brought up & an additional 3 points per mom that talks about this one)
• "c-sections" (2 points per mom talking about it)
• the complications (1 point per complication unless it is a c-section or episitomy *see their scoring system above*)
  
• "Epidural" (1/2 point per use of the word, they use it constantly thus giving it little or no value)

Bonus Round! You get 5 points for each time you hear these words:

• "bloody show"
• "water breaking/broke"
  
• "afterbirth"
  
• "sagging breasts"

How did you score?

Under 20 points or "Mild Estrogen Exposure"

Now, if you just attended a playgroup and the score was under 20 points you need to buck up young man, you are one of the lucky ones.  Rub some dirt on it and move along, 'tis merely a flesh wound.

20 to 30 points or "Intermediate Estrogen Exposure"  

If you just returned from a playgroup and you tallied over 20 points but less then 30 you deserve a cold beer and about an hour of watching the three stooges to re-assimilate back into male culture.

30 to 40 points or "Advanced Estrogen Exposure" 

If you returned from a playgroup and you marked down between 30 to 40 points on your scorecard you need a six pack S.T.A.T.  Also, I suggest detoxing from the estrogen overload by lifting weights, mowing the lawn, trying to change your oil (even if you don't know how), or heading to the driving range and getting the 'Jumbo' bucket.

40 to 50 points or "Severe Estrogen Exposure"

If you are one of the soldiers that just endured hell on Earth, that is if have just returned from a session where you tallied between 40-50 points, there are no easy answers.  I don't know why this happens to good people, but I do offer a solution.  *Note: This is a long term strategy*  Begin playing a first person shooter console game immediately.  If you do not have a first person shooter game, resort to Madden or another sport/fighting game if you don't have this watch Rocky over and over.  By day two of this you should now be able to detox by using the same strategy employed for those who suffered a 30 to 40 point scorecard.  If you have flashbacks to the playgroup you should immediately begin playing a console game until that feeling subsides.  Also you will need at least 36 hot wings a large pizza (you can choose the toppings) and around 12-48 beers (depending on your tolerance of course) to get through this.

Over 50 Points or "Epic Estrogen Exposure"

Finally, if you have endured a round of over 50 points you are most likely at Ann Taylor Loft trying on clothes.  Pray that someone finds you before you start scrap-booking or trying your hand at needle point while watching a Hugh Grant flick.  I have heard rumors of a guy that had a 200 point round.  Legend has it that he ran off leaving mainstream society completely.  Months later, as it was passed down to me, he eventually surfaced in some underworld sewing circle.  *note: this story is most likely completely made up, but totally possible* If you have experienced this type of playgroup, first, I am so very,very sorry.  Second, you need to calm down.  Take a standing ten count.  There are three known solutions to bring a fella back from the brink after such an event:

• A weekend poker tournament at either Vegas or AC
• A weekend golf trip with the guys
• Joining a reputable fight club (no shoving matches or name calling groups)
• A Roundhouse Kick to the chin from Mr. Norris (may also cause death which is still better)*
  *A special thanks to Tom, Tom Has an Awesome Site, for reminding me about this option*

Lingering effects of such an exposure include, but are not limited to:

• reading Redbook at doctors' offices
• laughing at Rosie O'Donnell's jokes
• watching and liking Fried Green Tomatoes
• singing Wilson Phillips' song "Hold On" without prompting and without external provication

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on Friday May 2, 2008

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In this episode, Professor Toddler takes to the great outdoors.  Enjoy this video compliments of team Joeprah.  Happy Friday and here comes the weekend, enjoy it!

 Also, let me take this opportunity to thank everyone who came by and supported my article yesterday !  I am both humbled and very thankful to have such great bloggy friends.  Aw shucks, you guys rule.  Thanks again!

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