Kids like to draw on walls.  Toddlers especially have a penchant for this type of graffiti, it is a fact.  As for me, I have a toddler daughter that likes to scribble remedial drawings throughout our house.  Perhaps, more than anywhere else, she enjoys defacing her room.  I read a post at Sarcastic Mom sometime ago where she was talked about being a crayon Nazi .  Although I feel her pain, I would have to say my pain is more permanent in nature.  I can only wonder if she will have to deal with some of the same issues I have over the tenure of the last two years with our third child.  She is absolutely a whirlwind.  She gathers up magic markers like a prisoner pilfering contraband.  When she was still in the diaper I caught her trafficking a Crayola purple magic marker on her way to "nap-time."  The worst part about the entire, "I am going to draw all over everything including myself," mentality is that she is so cute.  Like the Italian mafia, you never knew you were marked for a hit since they killed you with a smile.  My daughter, who is part Italian, exhibits some of this brilliance as she often distracts me with giggles and smiles that are warm enough to melt the polar ice caps.  I am not calling my daughter evil or a hitman, but in a way she targets me with her cuteness like a goon targets an informer with his tommygun.  These distractions have lead to many incidents, like the time when she colored her body...almost completely, and the infamous magic-marker-red-chair-extravaganza.

Well, enough with the rant.  Here is video proof of my daughter's wanton destructive capabilities.  Enjoy! 

Have your kids done anything ridiculous with markers, crayons, pen...paint...anything?  Do tell.

Joeprah Says... Be first to comment this article Favorite This Post (9)

on Monday June 2, 2008

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Dads everywhere know what I’m talking about when I say that children around the ages of 2-3 reach critical mass in the height department.  Once a child reaches “junk” height they become a danger to dads, uncles and granddads alike.  The amount of pain they inflict on an adult male can only be described as shocking.  Toddlers are the perfect weapon. 

Why are they the perfect weapon?

• They have little to no conscience
• Their heads are large in comparison to their bodies thus causing them to lean forward when they run
• They run constantly
• They are very difficult to get angry at
• They attack without notice

Some people think toddlers are cute and I agree—for the most part.  But what many people fail to acknowledge is that each toddler has a dark side.  Toddlers alone aren’t difficult to handle, but rarely do they inflict mortal damage on a guy’s satchel without an accomplice.  Toddler’s accomplices come in all shapes and sizes.  An accomplice can be someone who simply deters a man’s attention away from a toddler long enough for them to get a head start and barrel into their mid-section.  Some accomplices are inanimate objects like the television or an open refrigerator.  Toddlers can sense a distracted male like sharks smelling blood in the open ocean.  Refer to video:   

Joeprah Says... User Comments (28) Favorite This Post (36)

on Wednesday May 21, 2008

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I think there is absolutely ‘a time’ when, as a dad to daughters, you notice, “You know what, being naked around the girls feels weird.”  This naked awareness is a cultural change in a household like ours that is used to having young kids just bumbling in on my wife and I when we are getting dressed.  I mean, lately I have been getting the impression that my 8 year old, who I have made an effort to not be naked around for a little while now, is on a secret scientific mission to gather data about her naked father and make him feel completely uncomfortable in the process.  It didn’t happen gradually either, I mean for her perhaps, but when you notice a kid staring at you in the shower and they have nothing to say, you can’t help but to feel self conscious.  My 8 year old now looks at me differently when I am getting dressed, undressed, and especially when I am recently out of the shower (see hawt). 

Our house has a split brain personality when it comes to the topic of being concealed.  You see, my wife is diametrically opposed to humility in all its forms.  I am convinced it has nothing to do with a personal belief or fancy political statement, but rather the fact is she has somehow remained oblivious to kids and female family members who are eyeing up her nakedness.  You see, my wife is the type of lady that will always treat our bathroom/bedroom/heck upstairs as her personal locker-room—she just doesn’t care.  On the other hand, I really don’t like to be just “out there” any more than I need to be.  They call it junk for a reason people.  Anyways, my wife will lead my daughters in and out of our bathroom/bedroom no matter what amount of clothes I am currently wearing.  This has never been and issue and remains a non issue with our two younger daughters (ages 5 & 3).  My 8 year old though…she stares. 

I feel like an object.  I will be getting dressed in our room and my 8 year old will happen by and just kind of stand there with her mouth agape checking me out.  It doesn’t matter at what point I am in the process of getting dressed, just the prospect of seeing dad getting dressed is enough to gain an audience.  I am not getting amorous stares mind you, but rather cold, scientific, “what the heck is that” stares.  So for all you dads out there that have kids approaching the “age of reason,” as I like to call it, here is a list of ways to know when you are getting “checked out.”

• Silence in your naked or half naked presence - silence from youngsters is always questionable and usually a sign that something is amiss.  So, it stands to reason that when your children are quiet they are probably thinking—thinking about your gross misshapen body.
• Staring – This is a dead give away.  If you notice your child staring at you then you know they have reached the threshold of naked awareness and there is no turning back. 
• Child has some stupid reason to come into your bathroom while you are in the shower – you will know that you have been duped if after they come into your bathroom you notice silence and perhaps staring (staring in this case only applies to bathrooms with stand up showers surrounded by plexi-glass).
• Pauses – If you child starts talking to you as you are getting dressed and abnormally and repeatedly pauses you may be getting checked out.
• You are stalked – This happens when a child actually sneaks around to get a better look at you.  A voyeuristic child is a child that needs to be stopped.  It's weird, it's wrong and it's creepy as a mutha.

Once again, to write this article, I turned to Twitter Land and got some great input from these folks:

• Allie
• Savvy Daddy
• Joe from Kenyon
• Dougalfish
• Little Bytes
• Nick
• Ska4me

Thanks!  Bottom line, there is no way to know which is the right age to cover yourself up and with which kid this is necessary.  Some kids might not ever (meaning until they are teens) seem awkward in the presence of genitalia.  Some kids might seem more aware of nakedness and more inquisitive at a very early age.  It is a subjective question that I think each family needs to deal with in a way that suits them best.  For instance, Europeans seem to have less, if any aversion to being naked in front of their family members let alone strangers, but their culture is theirs, and yours is yours. What are some rules that have worked for you?  Are you getting “checked out?” How does that make you feel?  Do you have any good stock picks?  Wait, what are we talking about again?

Joeprah Says... User Comments (29) Favorite This Post (50)

on Wednesday May 14, 2008

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You do not step on the ice cream!!

I mean what the frig is that sentence really?  Let’s look at it in excruciating detail:  

• “You” – right from the start we can see that this sentence is doomed

• “do not step on” – my wife rallies here and shows off her ability to damage control, although she should have went with the colloquial contraction don’t, but w/e

• “the” – this seems like the right word here, but she said ‘the’ louder than the other words and with the long ‘e’ sound.  I don’t like this choice at all, it’s like, I never say “I like the sandwiches,” I just say, “Dayum! Dems be good!” or something else in that vain

• “ice cream” – granted the sentence needed these two words, but you could also use ‘that’, but my wife had dug such a large hole with the first 3/4s of the sentence there was no turning back.

"You do not step on the ice cream."  Gotta love what kids bring out in us.

As for the rough day, my five year old (our middle child) was quite fond of our old cat and I was really curious to see if she was going to show some emotion in regards to losing her friend.  She hadn't showed any signs of it all day, granted they found out right before they caught the bus and after she returned home she was either playing/cleaning/eating.  Finally, it was bedtime/time for prayers, and when we said prayers I asked all of them to name something that they loved about "Winnie" and to talk about their memories of him.  My five year old had the best answer as she recalled that she loved to scratch him on his chin.  Which she did all the time. She would look into his eyes like she was transfixed and rub his chin just the way cats like.  Still, though, no emotion.  It seemed odd as she loves all animals and really has a magical way with them which is inspiring to me.  As we finished sharing our memories, I told the girls that we believe (when we die) that we will see those we love again and we will be reunited.  I told them that our love for each other will always keep us together and that Winnie loved us and as long as we love him we will see him again.  I was getting really existential, and I was really hoping one of them would break down and cry a little, but nope none of them did.  As I was about to leave the room and return the toddler her bedroom I heard my 5 year old start to cry.  I was so proud.  She was the only one that did cry and I can't really explain why, but it made me proud to see her cry.  I suppose what I was impressed with was her display of humanity.  The other two didn't seemed phased by the entire ordeal of losing a pet, but I am so glad she was.  

Joeprah Says... User Comments (15) Favorite This Post (44)

on Thursday April 17, 2008

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I love my kids.  They rule.  Sometimes though, they push my buttons.  You know, like when you just got done cleaning the house and they run through with mud on their shoes.  Well, mine would never do that out of fear for their lives.  The things they do are subtle and yet still very destructive. They plant little 'bombs' all around the house for me to find, and most often I find these 'bombs' when its too late.  That sufficiently sets the picture I believe.

Enter my middle child. She is artsy and likes to do her own thing.  She is as sweet as they come but forgets what you tell her the second you say it because she is thinking about other things in her head.  Anyways, she made me a picture the other day out of a flower from her dance recital bouquet , tape and some of her heralded imagination.  The only problem was she never actually gave me the picture--that plus she modified the reverse side of the picture (see below).