on Saturday May 24, 2008

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For more from this series check the first post here, and the second post here.

Part III

Along the journey of the pregnancy, Jodi was again poked and prodded by doctors.  She was administered tests and in and out of hospital gowns for a total of six sonograms, and seemed to become numb to all the invasiveness that she had so dreaded in the past.  I never wanted to know what the sex of our baby was, but it was Jodi’s intention to find out, and since she was carrying and having the baby I felt it best to respect her wishes.  I mean, if she hadn’t been already, she was quickly turning into my hero.  We found out we were having a girl as it turned out, the first of three.)  We chose the name Isabella, got our bags packed and waited for the day to arrive.  Then it happened; just when I thought I couldn’t be more impressed with my wife, she went into labor.

It started with the “bloody show.”  Now, for all of you guys out there who are expecting your first child or thinking about starting a family, I need to tell you something candidly—labor and delivery are freaking disgusting.  I mean, the doctors use terms like, “bloody show,” “afterbirth,”  “tearing” and “water breaking,” to describe what is happening down there.  There is blood and juices and crap (literally) everywhere.  Afterbirth is completely ridiculous.  I mean who invented this stuff anyway?  Why can’t we just have the regular birth, minus the abomination that accompanies the baby? 

If you think afterbirth is bad, try on this one: episiotomy.  Holy-crap-I-hate-that-word!  If you say that word, I cringe; it is a Pavlovian response.  For those of you who know what it is, I am sure you will agree that it takes the cake.  Trust me; you never want to hear a doctor say, “Your wife tore, so we need to perform an episiotomy.”  It is the verbal equivalent to running finger nails over a black board.  The entire delivery thing is nuts, and to make matters worse, Jodi and the baby began to experience “complications.”   Jodi needed to have an emergency c-section.  My daughter had the cord wrapped around her neck and was losing oxygen each time there was a contraction, so the doctor prepped my wife and I, and we were in the O.R. in about five minutes. 

I think c-sections are much more pleasant than natural birth.  All deliveries should be c-sections as a way to shelter men from the nightmarish scene which is vaginal birth.  My wife had a flawless c-section and it was the single most moving experience of our lives for my wife and me to finally lay eyes on our beautiful baby girl.  We cried uncontrollably as we held her together for the first time.  (By the way, that is totally a manly time to cry, in case you were wondering.)  She was perfect, and after three-and-a-half days in the hospital, Jodi and I returned home with baby Bella and began our adventures in parenting.

I think my wife having a c-section was the best thing that could have happened to me, since I was forced to change all the diapers and do the lion's share of the initial rocking and burping.  Jodi was out of work for three months with the c-section.  The first two weeks she needed just to allow her body to heal enough so she could manage going up and down the stairs.  She was in a lot of pain, and I was amazed at how easily I took to this whole baby thing.  If it were just the three of us, life would be so easy, I thought.  We were so perfect together, but Jodi had to return to work, and I started my career at home with Bella--albeit part-time.  I continued working part-time in construction, but as a skilled laborer, rather than a supervisor.  My mom, dad, and mother-in-law took turns helping out with Bella a few days a week.   

I have to say that our immediate family was very supportive of the choices we made in regards to our working arrangement.  It was the folks that knew us the least who seemed to have the most discouraging things to say.  Our neighborhood consisted of many stay-at-home-moms, and as I began to venture out into their world via playgroups and trips to the park, I began to see that many people had never encountered a stay-at-home-dad.  Although I received some odd looks from moms and infrequently-seen family members, the person who had the most difficult time adjusting to me staying home was—-me. 

Stay tuned for the next installment some time next week.   

Thanks to Trouble Maker and Kitiara for their continued editing support. 

Joeprah Says... User Comments (8) Favorite This Post (36)

on Friday May 23, 2008

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So, my wife has told me for sometime now that she likes me with a goatee and she says that it somehow (I know crazy right?) makes me ever more of a hottie.  She later told me that it made me look like Patrick Dempsey and that was a good thing.  So, for months, scratch that, more like a few years, I have been walking around with a goatee because I thought it made me more like this dude or w/e that she thought looked like me.  Anyways, last night I was toiling away on yet another video masterpiece, I sat down and gave Hot Wife a foot massage as she watched Grey's Anatomy.  I stifled my vomit as they all seemingly made-out with each other the entire time.  Then, finally Patrick Dempsey appeared on the screen and he had no goatee.  I was all like "WTFudge!"  Today, without Hot Wife's approval or permission, I shaved the sucker off...well virtually.  I have some stubble...I have way over analyzed this thing.  Click on my pic and get a glimpse of me without goatee--remember ladies, I'm taken.

Thanks to these assistant editors for making this post a grammatical success:

Trouble Maker

Rachel

Christine

Joeprah Says... User Comments (18) Favorite This Post (37)

on Friday May 23, 2008

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So, if you are familiar with Joeprah and my constant pursuit of equality in this screwed up society we live in, you will remember I was denied access to a neighborhood wine club simply because I have a penis.  It was an ovary only club and my first reaction was, of course, anger.  That night (after being turned away) I burned some of my wife's bras, sunk into a deep depression that lasted until the next morning when I had some chocolate milk (it always cheers me up) and began to analyze the topic to death (here).  But, like any true warrior, I did not accept the ladies denying me as ultimate failure.  I fought through it.  I found myself my own group of fellas that could stand me long enough to sit down and have a few glasses of wine with yours truly.  I fought fire with fire so to speak.  The results?  Well, let's just check the tape shall we...

 Clearly, they were wrong to keep me out of their club.  Why turn away all that I have to offer?  Senseless if you ask me.  

Special thanks to the following assistant editors:

Carie

Joeprah Says... User Comments (17) Favorite This Post (41)

on Wednesday May 21, 2008

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I think there is absolutely ‘a time’ when, as a dad to daughters, you notice, “You know what, being naked around the girls feels weird.”  This naked awareness is a cultural change in a household like ours that is used to having young kids just bumbling in on my wife and I when we are getting dressed.  I mean, lately I have been getting the impression that my 8 year old, who I have made an effort to not be naked around for a little while now, is on a secret scientific mission to gather data about her naked father and make him feel completely uncomfortable in the process.  It didn’t happen gradually either, I mean for her perhaps, but when you notice a kid staring at you in the shower and they have nothing to say, you can’t help but to feel self conscious.  My 8 year old now looks at me differently when I am getting dressed, undressed, and especially when I am recently out of the shower (see hawt). 

Our house has a split brain personality when it comes to the topic of being concealed.  You see, my wife is diametrically opposed to humility in all its forms.  I am convinced it has nothing to do with a personal belief or fancy political statement, but rather the fact is she has somehow remained oblivious to kids and female family members who are eyeing up her nakedness.  You see, my wife is the type of lady that will always treat our bathroom/bedroom/heck upstairs as her personal locker-room—she just doesn’t care.  On the other hand, I really don’t like to be just “out there” any more than I need to be.  They call it junk for a reason people.  Anyways, my wife will lead my daughters in and out of our bathroom/bedroom no matter what amount of clothes I am currently wearing.  This has never been and issue and remains a non issue with our two younger daughters (ages 5 & 3).  My 8 year old though…she stares. 

I feel like an object.  I will be getting dressed in our room and my 8 year old will happen by and just kind of stand there with her mouth agape checking me out.  It doesn’t matter at what point I am in the process of getting dressed, just the prospect of seeing dad getting dressed is enough to gain an audience.  I am not getting amorous stares mind you, but rather cold, scientific, “what the heck is that” stares.  So for all you dads out there that have kids approaching the “age of reason,” as I like to call it, here is a list of ways to know when you are getting “checked out.”

• Silence in your naked or half naked presence - silence from youngsters is always questionable and usually a sign that something is amiss.  So, it stands to reason that when your children are quiet they are probably thinking—thinking about your gross misshapen body.
• Staring – This is a dead give away.  If you notice your child staring at you then you know they have reached the threshold of naked awareness and there is no turning back. 
• Child has some stupid reason to come into your bathroom while you are in the shower – you will know that you have been duped if after they come into your bathroom you notice silence and perhaps staring (staring in this case only applies to bathrooms with stand up showers surrounded by plexi-glass).
• Pauses – If you child starts talking to you as you are getting dressed and abnormally and repeatedly pauses you may be getting checked out.
• You are stalked – This happens when a child actually sneaks around to get a better look at you.  A voyeuristic child is a child that needs to be stopped.  It's weird, it's wrong and it's creepy as a mutha.

Once again, to write this article, I turned to Twitter Land and got some great input from these folks:

• Allie
• Savvy Daddy
• Joe from Kenyon
• Dougalfish
• Little Bytes
• Nick
• Ska4me

Thanks!  Bottom line, there is no way to know which is the right age to cover yourself up and with which kid this is necessary.  Some kids might not ever (meaning until they are teens) seem awkward in the presence of genitalia.  Some kids might seem more aware of nakedness and more inquisitive at a very early age.  It is a subjective question that I think each family needs to deal with in a way that suits them best.  For instance, Europeans seem to have less, if any aversion to being naked in front of their family members let alone strangers, but their culture is theirs, and yours is yours. What are some rules that have worked for you?  Are you getting “checked out?” How does that make you feel?  Do you have any good stock picks?  Wait, what are we talking about again?

Joeprah Says... User Comments (29) Favorite This Post (47)

on Tuesday May 20, 2008

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I am not sure if anyone else out there has seen the new product that hit the market recently called “Dropps.”  I found them the local Target and I thought someone had misplaced dish washer detergent in the wrong aisle.  The bag looks a lot like the action pacs from Cascade (you may have seen those). I think my ADD got the best of me, but I picked up the bag and started to read what the heck the product was and here is a synopsis: it is laundry detergent. The hook of ‘Dropps’ is that they have A) taken the guess work out of laundry and B) hooked up the environment at the same time.  Win, win, right?  What about the old laundry jugs?  Aren’t they cool too Joeprah?  Bah!  Old laundry detergents are heavy and take up more space and require trucks shipping them to consume more oil and take more trips to deliver the equivalent amount of laundry cleaning power in the Dropps packs.  I love the progressive thought pattern that was used to create this product, go small—go green.  Very cool.  Anyways, here is a list of the pros and cons for each style of laundry detergent:

Pros	Cons
A good workout each time you do the laundry Easy to find Cleans Laundry	Drips all over Heavy as crap Expensive: about 47 cents a load for the regular jugs, about 35 cents a load for the concentrated jugs (if used properly) You Need a Lot of it Measuring is required Kids can’t carry it out of the car Made out of 75% New Material

Pros	Cons
Helps the environment Requires Less Energy to Transport Conserves Plastic because it isn’t in a dinosaur jug Conserves water Light Doesn’t require measurement I can throw them in the washing machine via hook-shot Easy to Use Cleans Laundry Cheaper: about 30 cents a load	Only found in Select Targets, Walmarts & Wholefoods Stores

So, besides the fact that Dropps isn’t an easy to find product (yet), it is pretty clear to see that it owns the jug-o-detergent.  I am not a paid representative of Dropps, but I wouldn’t turn down free samples (ahem) if anyone from Dropps noticed this post.  So, here’s the recap: Dropps are easier to use and better for the environment than the old bulky detergents out there, why not give them a try? 

Special Thanks to Assistant Joeprah Editor:

Mrs. Whimsy 

Joeprah Says... User Comments (20) Favorite This Post (44)