on Wednesday May 14, 2008

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So, I see a neurologist every six months because I have mild retardation (see juvenile myoclonus) and in-between recent visits I developed some numbness (left pinky and ring finger) and discomfort in my left elbow.  Apparently, I do not subscribe to proper posture when I am in full-blog-mode (see sloucher pictured left) and the fact that I rest my head on my left hand via elbow support is somehow not helpful.  On my visit last week, my doctor told me that there is a chance the nerve may heal on its own if I change my habits, but there was also a chance that I may need surgery (nothing big, an out-patient dealy).  But, I was told I did need to schedule an EMG or Nerve Conduction Study/Test and today was the day. 

I really had no expectations going into the study other than I knew that it would take about an hour.  It wasn’t until I was in the examination room that I found out what the study was comprised of.  Basically the test is a combination of electric shocks and a bunch of needles.  It was like I was in the movie Hostel for an hour and this strange man with an expensive watch and a last name I have always had difficulty pronouncing induced pain in a myriad of ways.  How is the study conducted? 

1. you are grounded—you know, like an electrical appliance
2. the doctor gets out some of that jelly stuff that I think they use during sonograms
3. the doctor dips his stun gun/cattle prod into the gunk
4. the doctor gears up the amperage so to better shock you
5. you are shocked
6. steps 3-5 are repeated up and down each arm maybe like 50 times or so
7. you blackout
8. once you regain consciousness you notice the test isn’t over
9. the doctor now has a needle/slim sturdy metal implement
10. the needle is attached to a electrical measuring device
11. the doctor says something ironic like, “this won’t hurt”
12. the doctor plunges said needle/metal implement directly into an arm muscle about an inch deep
13. you are asked to flex said muscle with the needle in it
14. steps 11-13 are repeated numerous times up and down the arm
15. the doctor says something alarming like, “this may hurt a little”
16. you are stuck in the fleshy part of your thumb about ½ inch deep
17. it hurts
18. you are asked to flex said muscle with the needle in it
19. steps 15-18 are repeated a number of times in the hand
20. you blackout again
21. you regain consciousness as the doctor says you may need surgery to repair a pinched ulna nerve

During all these test the doctor will invariable say something really crazy like, "relax" or "relax, please."  I felt like saying, "You just shocked me with that cattle prod thing, so it's a little hard to relax at the moment," or, "I'll relax as soon as the needle is out of thumb muscle."  I basically felt like this guy:

So, for all of you out there that are having tingling in your hands/fingers, get it checked out.  How do I prevent getting a blogging related injury?

• Don’t lean on your elbows

• Don’t slouch

• Don’t spend too much time in one position

• Do use an ergonomic split keyboard that conforms to your arm angles naturally 

• Do use an ergonomic mouse pad that conforms to your wrist angle naturally mouse pad

• Do Support your feet (I was told that is important too)  

So, if you have noticed I haven't commented your blogs regularly as of late, I have a note.  Do you have a blogging related injury?  Care to share?

**This has been a public service announcement from team Joeprah, happy blogging.**  

Joeprah Says... User Comments (35) Favorite This Post (35)

on Wednesday May 14, 2008

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You do not step on the ice cream!!

I mean what the frig is that sentence really?  Let’s look at it in excruciating detail:  

• “You” – right from the start we can see that this sentence is doomed

• “do not step on” – my wife rallies here and shows off her ability to damage control, although she should have went with the colloquial contraction don’t, but w/e

• “the” – this seems like the right word here, but she said ‘the’ louder than the other words and with the long ‘e’ sound.  I don’t like this choice at all, it’s like, I never say “I like the sandwiches,” I just say, “Dayum! Dems be good!” or something else in that vain

• “ice cream” – granted the sentence needed these two words, but you could also use ‘that’, but my wife had dug such a large hole with the first 3/4s of the sentence there was no turning back.

"You do not step on the ice cream."  Gotta love what kids bring out in us.

As for the rough day, my five year old (our middle child) was quite fond of our old cat and I was really curious to see if she was going to show some emotion in regards to losing her friend.  She hadn't showed any signs of it all day, granted they found out right before they caught the bus and after she returned home she was either playing/cleaning/eating.  Finally, it was bedtime/time for prayers, and when we said prayers I asked all of them to name something that they loved about "Winnie" and to talk about their memories of him.  My five year old had the best answer as she recalled that she loved to scratch him on his chin.  Which she did all the time. She would look into his eyes like she was transfixed and rub his chin just the way cats like.  Still, though, no emotion.  It seemed odd as she loves all animals and really has a magical way with them which is inspiring to me.  As we finished sharing our memories, I told the girls that we believe (when we die) that we will see those we love again and we will be reunited.  I told them that our love for each other will always keep us together and that Winnie loved us and as long as we love him we will see him again.  I was getting really existential, and I was really hoping one of them would break down and cry a little, but nope none of them did.  As I was about to leave the room and return the toddler her bedroom I heard my 5 year old start to cry.  I was so proud.  She was the only one that did cry and I can't really explain why, but it made me proud to see her cry.  I suppose what I was impressed with was her display of humanity.  The other two didn't seemed phased by the entire ordeal of losing a pet, but I am so glad she was.  

Joeprah Says... User Comments (15) Favorite This Post (32)

on Tuesday May 13, 2008

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So, tomorrow I have an exterminator coming out to look at our ant problem.  We have ants, not many and not the big ones.  We have little annoying ants.  For the first three years in our new house I was able to battle them tooth and claw and I was always able to mount a superior defense (allbeit temporary) against these little buggers using my trusty caulk gun and bug spray.  When they would come in for the next attack I was always able to find out how and stop them cold.  You know the dad in the movie "Christmas Story?"  How fanatical he was with fuses?  That's me and bugs.  I hate them: they hate me.  It is fated.  Ying and the yang.  Anyways, tomorrow I have finally relented and called in back-up as I can't find the source of how the ants are A) getting in and B) staying in.  I caulked everywhere I could think of.  I even used that spray foam insulation in the basement. You know the stuff that is so friggin' strong that if you get it on your skin you can just kiss that skin goodbye.  Anyways, the ants won.  I lost.  I give them credit but I will take much pleasure in their demise.  Much. 
Here's the strange thing, I feel somehow emasculated in asking some other dude to come in and squash my bugs for me.  I mean, I am a stay at home dad, I feel like I should 'have' this.  Anyways, I need help.  I submit. 

Finally, the last piece of this puzzle is the protocol.  Do I clean the house for this dude?  I mean, our house isn't messy, like stupid messy, but it could use a once over.  I usually do pick up the house once a day, but homer is supposed to come over early and I don't know if want to clean tonight (actually I do know and I don't want to).  So what is the protocol exactly?  Clean for the dude that comes over to spray for bugs or do some other stupid thing in the house or what?  I usually have in the past, but I tired from the weekend, tired from figthing the ants and tired of cleaning--at least for the night.  (I could write this though)

Special Thanks to Assistant Editor:

Carrie from OurCrookedTree  

Joeprah Says... User Comments (21) Favorite This Post (34)

on Saturday May 10, 2008

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As I went out shopping for gifts for my wife and both of our mothers, I began to notice how society markets gifts for moms.  Really what started it all was that I was having a hard time finding the right card for my wife because a good majority of cards are designed with the traditional roles of men and women in mind.  Now, an aside on buying cards, I hate buying cards and I think they are a scam by the 'man' to get us to spend money on something we don't need.  Its like the card guys are saying, "Dude, you got nothin'.  Here take this gem I made with you in mind, give it to your special someone and your pain will be no more, but, dude that'll be $4.50--remember to pay me."  I actually like giving the opposite card to people.  For instance, it's your 40th birthday, how about a St. Patty's Day card?  Just got married?  How about a gag birthday card with George W. in drag?  The anticipation is greater when people know they are getting a card I picked out.  Back to the topic at hand, the Mother's Day problem I was having with the cards.  I mean the cards are all like, "Thanks for all that you do," and pictured on the card there is some lady in a kitchen with four kids throwing mashed potatoes at each other while a cat is on fire off in the distance. I know, I know there are a lot of moms kickin' it that way and I am savvy, but the only thing is--that lady in the kitchen is me.  I can literally make an argument, based on stereotypes, that Sunday should be my day off.  So here is a list of all the things that the traditional mom does according to all the cards I have seen over the course of the last 4-5 days compared with my day to day responsibilities:  

 As you can see, my list is dominant.  A stay at home dad not only does all the typical mommy like things in the house, but they also mow the lawn and take out the trash--at least in our house.  My argument is this, since I do the mommish stuff shouldn't I be getting the day off on Sunday?  And my wife, who actually leaves her shoes all over the house and is horrible at optimizing the dishwasher, should be waiting until June for her day?  I mean, at least according to 'the man' who pumps out the greeting cards that litter grocery stores, local pharmacies, Targets and Hallmark stores. 

Also, another aside, this time about these "hallmark holidays."  These holidays, like Valentines Day and Mother's Day and such, are just ways for stores to get some sales during slower months of the year, right?  Seriously, do we need holidays to remember those folks we see everyday or at least more often than most folks?  I don't need a holiday to remind me that I love my wife and to treat her right, however, I think trashmen are often taken for granted.  I leave my trash unorganized and just falling all over the place.  These guys got their work cut out for them when they get to my house.  No free lunch here.  It might be an old couch one week and the next like 12 bags of leaves and a pile of warped wood.  Other folks have these sparkling clean trash cans and these guys only throw out or put stuff into their trash cans if it is in a bag...not me.  Chick-Fil-A cups, McDonalds Toys, newspapers, and much much worse are just loosely swimming in the can.  Poor trash dude.  Why not have a national holiday for folks, like the trashmen, that provide us with a service?  Trashman Day, Police Man Day, Firemen Day, Walmart Greeter Guy Day and so on.  No corny cards, no stupid lame gifts--just a "thank you." 

I guess what I am saying is I take of the motherly responsibilities in our house and my wife does the guy stuff.   I had quite a few people wish me "Happy Mother's Day" which kinda got me to thinking--should SAHDs get a separate day? should we share some of the Mother's Day hype somehow? or am I just confused?

Joeprah Says... User Comments (18) Favorite This Post (34)

on Tuesday May 13, 2008

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Here is a fun video I took yesterday with the "Hot Wife."  She really, really, really hates being on camera and I think it really is undetectable.  She looks really pretty here (as usual).  Happy Mother's Day (again).  You are the best!

Joeprah Says... User Comments (11) Favorite This Post (33)