Tuesday, April 21 2009 16:01
I think most people view miscarriages as something that only affects women, I know I did. I didn't let myself grieve or really examine what had happened because everyone rallied around my wife. It wasn't until months had passed that it hit me-like a ton of bricks. We were almost three months along and on a vacation with the family when my wife told me that something wasn't right. It was just before noon when she started to notice blood. We raced home and the doctor sent us to the hospital for an examination and even though there was a lot of "spotting" they weren't overly concerned-we were though. My wife knew something wasn't right and her doctor told her to rest although there was nothing she could do if she was about to have a miscarriage. We Google'd it to death and found little comfort in a similar consensus-if she was about to have a miscarriage there was nothing we could do. That night she felt increasingly more ill and finally had to get in the shower to battle nausea and stomach cramps. It was just shortly after she got in the shower I heard her scream for me-it sounded very bad.
Sounds resonate in the memories of many events in my life. I remember the sounds of my grandfathers and grandmothers voices even though they are years gone, I remember the sound of my first cat's meow and I vividly remember what my wife sounded like when she called for my help that night.She was basically in hysterics. My eyes quickly shifted from her to the shower's floor. I will spare you the awful details, but what I saw that evening was horrific. My wife had tried but the drain couldn't handle removing "it." There I was with a wife in hysterics, desperate to make "it" go away-I had to act. I grabbed up some tissues and collected "it" and flushed "it" down the toilet. As I carried out the dark deed, I couldn't help but wonder what it was I was actually flushing. I was sick. She was sick. It lasted maybe two minutes, but it remains with me and always will.
As the days and weeks passed, our family & friends stopped by or sent cards, flowers and care packages to console my wife. It was great; she received a tremendous amount of support. I was there for her too. She was really hit hard by all of what happened. I was somewhere neither here nor there. I was along for the ride and kept denying the fact that I was shaken up by all that happened.
Being a stay at home dad, I was really looking forward to another kid. That's not to say my wife was looking forward to another child any less than I, but I was already mentally prepared for the changes in my life. I was going to have to deal with poopy diapers and crying kids for that many more years and my professional life was going to be on hold for that many more years all kinda lingered with me even months after the miscarriage.
It was about 4 months after the miscarriage that my wife and I got an opportunity to have a ‘date night.' We were out alone and it was just strange that was when all the emotions caught up to me. Being an absolute man's man, I can write this without regret. That night, my wife brought up the evening of the miscarriage and all that transpired and as I began to talk about it--I surprised myself by breaking out in tears. I started crying really hard. I obviously held in my grief for too long and denied myself the opportunity to deal with what happened.
A miscarriage is losing all that could have been and that is a very difficult thing to go through for both of the parents to be. Our culture seems to think miscarriages only affect women, but that truly is half the story. Dads experience feelings of intense grief, shock, helplessness and anger to name a few.
What feelings Dads can expect to deal with after a Miscarriage:
Denial/Shock: The number one thing that dads have to deal with, in my opinion is denial. Our culture emphasizes the fact that women are hurt by miscarriages-don't get caught up in that trend. It's ‘ok' to get upset-you just lost a child to be. You might even feel like nothing happened just after the miscarriage-don't be fooled.
Helplessness: I remember the night of the miscarriage-I couldn't do anything to help and it crushed me. After the miscarriage, I was searching Google for days trying to find out why and if we should risk trying for another. It is simply out of your control and although it sounds cliché-these things just happen.
Guilt: As a guy, I remember thinking that maybe my swimmers were defective or even inadequate. Maybe it was how I came to an abrupt stop in the minivan that one time or maybe it was that I didn't pay attention as carefully as I should to my wife's diet. It took me a while to let go of that baggage, but it was for the best.
Anger: Why does God let these things happen? Why did God want my baby before he or she was born? I have read that some dads might be angry with themselves or feel responsible for losing the baby and then project this anger onto their wives-this helps no one and is just another emotion that we feel as we go through the grieving process.
Grief: You are likely to experience strong feelings of loss, not only for the child itself but for the life you imagined for yourself and your partner after the baby was born.
Inadequacy: Grief can make you think funny things like, "Maybe I am the cause of all this and not only did I screw up making the baby, but now I am not there for my wife like I should be because I feel so down." It wasn't your fault and it never was-talk about what your feelings are with your partner and let out your emotions before they impact you negatively.
Those are some of the emotions to look out for, but what do I do now after reading this?
Men Dealing with Miscarriage:
If you recently experienced loss through a miscarriage, don't wait-talk about your feelings whenever you can. Don't be afraid to cry or express yourself-facing your problems head on is braver than hiding behind them with anger and negativity.
If a Friend or Family member is dealing with Miscarriage:
The next time you hear a friend or family member have experienced loss through miscarriage-don't leave the man out of the healing equation. If you are a women reading this-encourage your husband to do something nice like take the guy out for a round of golf or to go fishing. Give the guys a chance to work it out and talk. If it is your spouse going through this with you-do not leave them out. They are hurting too. The chances are that the stronger they act the more they hurt behind all that.
Are you a dad or potential dad and have had an experience with miscarriage? How did it affect you? Do you think that society rallies around the mom and forgets the dad in these situations?
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written by Jon D (Graco), April 22, 2009
My wife and I have not had to cope with miscarriage. There but for the grace of God...But I can truly feel the heartrending impact of such an experience through your words.
I think you make a great point on many levels, that Dad's have emotions too, and it's necessary to acknowledge them and be comfortable dealing with them.
A very informative and poignant post, Joe.
Thanks
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written by Grandma, April 22, 2009
I have to say, it never leaves the minds of the grandparents either. We try to keep our mouths shut, so's not to re-open wounds, but it's there in our hearts and minds. We remember and grieve for our grandchild that we'll never meet in this life and hopefully will see in the next.
Speaking as the outsider, if you will, we were at a loss as to what to say or do to help at the time of our family's loss, trying to focus on the Mother's and Father's loss and not ours. I remember rushing right over and once getting there, all we could do is hug everyone, saying something lame like "We're here for you if you need us. Is there anything we can do?"
Sometimes all you can do is to be there, like all the other deaths in the family; rally around, grieve together and try to go on from there and keep from mentioning in the future, hoping to close the wound.
The greatest consolation we have is keeping in mind your faith, knowing that one day, you will be with your child again. I remember when my mother was dying, one of the last things she said with a grin was I'll see my Tommy again...her deceased grandson of 30 years ago. I guess, hard as we try, something like this remains with us forever, even though it's not on our lips, it's in our hearts and minds.
I like to think that our little grandchild is with the great-grandparents, looking down with happiness and love for the family they have.
Feeling grief is natural and expected, even though we all grieve in different ways, and eventually, it does get better and we move on. Jesus (God and Man) cried when Lazarus died, so if God can shed tears over the loss of a loved one, we should, too.
"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."
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written by Opalstorm/Tara R, April 22, 2009
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written by Joel, April 22, 2009
We haven't had to deal with miscarriage either, but my wife's best friend and her husband did. They went through it at the same time that we were in our first pregnancy. Ella, of course, shared the grief with her friend, but it was so difficult trying to put such tragedy alongside the joy and excitement we had for our first baby.
It was several months later as I was talking online with the friend's husband (who I've gotten very close with over the last few years) that I realized the toll it had taken on him. That's when I started to realize how big an issue it was and how greatly it affected the men in the relationship. This is one of those areas where we're not given a lot of support or sympathy from society, something that perhaps stay-at-home-dads like you, with a voice that can and will be heard by a few people might be able to begin to change.
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written by Russ, April 23, 2009
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written by Tracey, April 23, 2009
On a positive note...very nicely written, and I'm sure it will help families going through similar situations.
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written by OM, April 26, 2009
I'm not arguing with what you're saying. Your point is that dads deal with miscarriage too, not that it's not worse for mothers. I'm just thinking out loud with my keyboard.
And I'm sorry you and she had to go through this horrible experience. And I'm glad it seems to have made you stronger.
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written by Joeprah, May 02, 2009
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written by Out-Numbered, May 03, 2009
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written by Kay, May 05, 2009
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written by Eternal Lizdom, May 08, 2009
We also suffered a miscarriage- our first pregnancy. My husband still gets choked up when we talk about it. Thankfully, we have the kind of home where we can (and do) talk about "Bunny." It's good to hear the perspective of other dads.
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written by Mocha Dad, May 13, 2009
I'm sorry about your loss. Although, I have not experienced it myself. My wife and I have had a couple of scares.
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written by prin, May 19, 2009
From my point of view, this post took so much courage to write. I am so sorry you and your wife had to go through something so terrible. Hopefully your experience will help a lot of couples who are dealing with it. *hugs*
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written by Joeprah, May 26, 2009
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written by rachel - A Southern Fairytale, June 02, 2009
My heart goes out to you and your wife.
this tore at my heart and wrenched my gut and yet you handled the telling of it so wonderfully.
Thank you for sharing the 'man-spective' it is so needed.
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written by Joeprah, June 03, 2009
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written by selina, July 02, 2009
sorry for your loss,since i had a miscarrage last year its hard to forget but i keep telling myself that GOD has a purpose for everything.just hang in there he will give you your blessing
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written by Gareth, July 19, 2009
It is good to hear the feelings and emotions from the male perspective. I can only imagine how hard it has hit both you and your wife.
Hang in there!
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written by Anton, July 22, 2009
I've been a bit numb over the past few days but tonight my grief kicked in, triggered by my Dad who lectured me on "being there for my wife". I get that it's very hard for Mums, both physically and emotionally, but I was desperate for help about how it feels to be a Dad. I know the stats, and we were cautious so early in the pregnancy, but late last week I started dreaming and picked out some names.
I read your article with tears streaming down my face and for the first time I was able just to grieve for the loss of our baby without feeling angry at my Dad, or guilty that in my grief I wasn't tending to hers. We're so blessed with our two children and we're continuing to pray for the soul of our little one, but your post really helped my feel that I wasn't alone.
To the other Dads out there, I can only offer the same advice, while being there for your family is important, don't forget to let yourself grieve too. I know I'll never be the same again, and I'll always remember the brief joy that the promise of a new life brings.
We don't know if we'll try again, but seeing the support on your site, I feel more positive about the prospect.
Many thanks.
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written by Dad Blog, July 23, 2009
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written by Jean, September 03, 2009
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written by Coach D, December 04, 2009
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written by Catherin19, February 02, 2010
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written by JasonB, February 10, 2010
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First off, I'd just like to say what a great article this is for men dealing with miscarriage. It's a sensitive topic often overlooked.
I'm sorry for your loss. I know just how you feel as my wife and I also experienced a miscarriage. This has been our first pregnancy so that brought on a whole new level of anxiety as the prospect of not being able to have kids loomed.
I believe you are correct, that the woman does receive the bulk of the support, in most cases. Our families were very supportive of us both. In fact, I had the same exact experience as you. I felt a duty to be a rock for my wife and to do whatever I could to ease her pain. During that time, I was stoic in my pain. But when I made the call to my in-laws about the loss (they lived out of town), I just lost it. They were very supportive and knew that the pain wasn't exclusive to their daughter but that I too was suffering.
In any case, I'm happy to report that we have two (boy and girl) wonderful, amazing kids and hope to add one more to the team ASAP!