on Thursday May 8, 2008

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Two days ago my two youngest girls and I were about to eat some lunch and I captured this hilarious scene.  Peace.

Joeprah Says... User Comments (15) Favorite This Post (7)

on Thursday May 8, 2008

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I have two items of business I would like to talk about today.  First, is the contest .  I would like to begin by saying that I am a little shocked that so far only 11 members have signed up to partake in the first annual Independence Day Contest at Joeprah.com.  Considering the rewards, I will be giving bi-monthly updates in regards to the contest and each time I do so I will be giving all involved link love, plus you have a chance at winning cold, hard cash.  If you are down for the contest I still need to know, just don't assume that you are in, you need to tell me.  I think this is a no brainer, but that's just me.

Second, updates.  Now, if you stopped by yesterday you may have noticed I was retooling my menus a bit on my left sidebar.  I now have a section for "Joeprah's Best Work ."  This section is awesome.  Seriously.  I have to tweak it a bit more, but it is like 90% where I want it.  Another update I am happy to announce is that I have added "email" and "print" capabilities to all my content.  So, now If you feel strongly about an article--send it to the world. 

Finally, the tutorials.  I spent more than a couple hours making, by many folks' standards, what turned out to be mediocre demo videos.  These demo videos are tutorials aimed at showing registered members both how to make a blog entry and how to modify their user profiles .  That is pretty much that.  If you haven't gotten in the contest , why not?  It will be like a blog-olympics.  Word.  

Joeprah Says... User Comments (4) Favorite This Post (0)

on Thursday May 8, 2008

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Continued from this post...

Now as all the drama played out behind the scenes, my wife had moved up into configuration management and had her eye on a software testing job as she consistently scored high on reviews.  My career was in a different state as I worked for a friend who had inherited half of his father’s construction company.  I had no benefits, I worked long hard hours for a guy who handled his money poorly and although I made more money than my wife there were times my paychecks would bounce or times when I was told not to cash a paycheck for a period of time.  It was easy to see between the two of us who had the more promising career.  Our focus shifted from celebratory to concerned as we started “crunching the numbers” to try and find out what we were going to do once the baby was born.  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see that pound for pound Jodi’s job offered more mobility, benefits and was a less abusive environment physically to boot.  We really couldn’t think of a reason for me to stay in my job unless my boss—a close friend of mine—would concede benefits to me. 

“Joe, I just can’t do it,” was the predictable answer I got from my boss and friend, and I understood that he was limited as a small business owner in what he could do for his employees.  So there it was, my wife was going to work full-time and I was going to be home with the baby.  We were in no way financially stable and we did need some form of supplemental income so it was decided that I would stay on working in construction part-time as our mothers would take turns watching the baby a few days a week. 

Jodi had horrible morning sickness and woke up vomiting every morning for eight months.  This was new territory for both of us as my wife, a normally calculated logical sort of woman, started to battle emotional highs and lows with the raging hormones circulating through her rapidly expanding midsection.  I am not sure if all pregnant people act the same way, but my wife who was normally reserved with her physical functions now during her pregnancy was having a coming out party of sorts.  Normally, Jodi would stifle a fart for hours rather than “let one go.”  Burp?  Never.  But now, Jodi was pregnant.  She was chock full of food, liquid and hormones all of which were pulsating in her midsection.  What proved to be the proverbial “straw” on the gastro-intestinal camel was the added pressure of a baby jumping around in her belly.  Who would of thunk it?  I started hearing the strangest noises coming from her.  

“Was that a fart?  I don’t think I have ever heard you fart.”

“Well, now you have.” 

I kinda liked having a fart buddy in some ways.  I stopped feeling bad about raising my leg to rip one.  She also was burping like she was in a contest or trying out for a freak show.  I remember we were at her aunt’s house, who is our oldest daughter’s godmother, and after she burped I remarked, “She’s like Jupiter, largest ball of gas in the solar system.”  I am a romantic in many ways, but comparing my wife to Jupiter never scored me any points. 

Not only was she sounding like a pig, she ate like one too.  Literally.  She was disgusting as she asked for more and more food and made wild grunting noises as she slid roast chicken after roast chicken into her swollen gullet.  Her ability to consume food probably added to her lack of energy as she, like a bear in the wilderness, would need to sleep off her calories earlier and earlier each night.

We paid most of our way through college waiting tables and the remainder was paid in scholarships and aid we qualified for.  Waiting tables meant we were used to being night owls.  Now, my wife started to go to bed at nine o’clock; then nine turned into eight-thirty; eight-thirty turned into eight and that is where our schedule remained until the baby was born.  It was difficult for two people who had always been as close as two people could be to become distant to some degree over the course of the six months of the pregnancy.  We both left for work early and I usually came home late from work so we typically had time for dinner together and soon she was snoring.  I am not sure if other couples experience this test during their first pregnancy or maybe all their pregnancies but after some getting used to we found ways to make time for each other.  I started coming home earlier and we always had time for each other on the weekends and I knew that with each passing scoop of mash potatoes onto her plate we were getting closer to a goal—the baby was almost here.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! If you like it, tell a friend to register.

Joeprah Says... Be first to comment this article Favorite This Post (0)

on Tuesday May 6, 2008

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After being in the playgroup circuit for over 7 years, I have started to discover that certain conversations and certain words are more an affront to me as a Chuck Norris fearing dude.  I, like all guys, compete, so I have created a game that all men everywhere can partake in if they ever go to a playgroup.  

Now, for some unknown reason, ladies think that playgroups are both "gossip time" and also time to talk about their pregnancies so I have created a list of key words and their respective point totals in a game format so that you, an average guy, can find out just how much estrogen you have been exposed to. The point system below was devised based on how difficult certain words are to hear for a guy.  Here is how the scoring system works:

The Playgroup Play Along Game for Dads

• "McDreamy" (1 point)
• "McSteamy" (2 points)
• "Latte" (1 point)
• "Starbucks Latte" (2 points)
• George Clooney (1 point)
• Brad Pitt (2 points)
• "Period" or "That Time of the Month" (1 point)
• "Crampy" (2 points)
• "Retaining Water" (3 points)
• "Did you see her hair?" (1 point)
• "Did you see what she was wearing?" (2 points)
• "She is such a _______" (3 points)
• "Ann Taylor"  (1 point)
• "Longaberger"  (2 points)
•  "Prada" (3 points)
• "Breastfeeding" (1 point) **
  
• "Sore/Chafing Nipples" (2 points) **
• "Breast Pump" (3 point) **

**special thanks to Pete, Pete Rules for pointing out the breastfeeding issue**

The Next Section is the Pregnancy Section and contains ideas as well as terminology

• How difficult their pregnancy was (1 point per mom talking about this)
  
• the labor pains (1 point per mom talking about it)
• "Episiotomy" (give yourself 5 points if brought up & an additional 3 points per mom that talks about this one)
• "c-sections" (2 points per mom talking about it)
• the complications (1 point per complication unless it is a c-section or episitomy *see their scoring system above*)
  
• "Epidural" (1/2 point per use of the word, they use it constantly thus giving it little or no value)

Bonus Round! You get 5 points for each time you hear these words:

• "bloody show"
• "water breaking/broke"
  
• "afterbirth"
  
• "sagging breasts"

How did you score?

Under 20 points or "Mild Estrogen Exposure"

Now, if you just attended a playgroup and the score was under 20 points you need to buck up young man, you are one of the lucky ones.  Rub some dirt on it and move along, 'tis merely a flesh wound.

20 to 30 points or "Intermediate Estrogen Exposure"  

If you just returned from a playgroup and you tallied over 20 points but less then 30 you deserve a cold beer and about an hour of watching the three stooges to re-assimilate back into male culture.

30 to 40 points or "Advanced Estrogen Exposure" 

If you returned from a playgroup and you marked down between 30 to 40 points on your scorecard you need a six pack S.T.A.T.  Also, I suggest detoxing from the estrogen overload by lifting weights, mowing the lawn, trying to change your oil (even if you don't know how), or heading to the driving range and getting the 'Jumbo' bucket.

40 to 50 points or "Severe Estrogen Exposure"

If you are one of the soldiers that just endured hell on Earth, that is if have just returned from a session where you tallied between 40-50 points, there are no easy answers.  I don't know why this happens to good people, but I do offer a solution.  *Note: This is a long term strategy*  Begin playing a first person shooter console game immediately.  If you do not have a first person shooter game, resort to Madden or another sport/fighting game if you don't have this watch Rocky over and over.  By day two of this you should now be able to detox by using the same strategy employed for those who suffered a 30 to 40 point scorecard.  If you have flashbacks to the playgroup you should immediately begin playing a console game until that feeling subsides.  Also you will need at least 36 hot wings a large pizza (you can choose the toppings) and around 12-48 beers (depending on your tolerance of course) to get through this.

Over 50 Points or "Epic Estrogen Exposure"

Finally, if you have endured a round of over 50 points you are most likely at Ann Taylor Loft trying on clothes.  Pray that someone finds you before you start scrap-booking or trying your hand at needle point while watching a Hugh Grant flick.  I have heard rumors of a guy that had a 200 point round.  Legend has it that he ran off leaving mainstream society completely.  Months later, as it was passed down to me, he eventually surfaced in some underworld sewing circle.  *note: this story is most likely completely made up, but totally possible* If you have experienced this type of playgroup, first, I am so very,very sorry.  Second, you need to calm down.  Take a standing ten count.  There are three known solutions to bring a fella back from the brink after such an event:

• A weekend poker tournament at either Vegas or AC
• A weekend golf trip with the guys
• Joining a reputable fight club (no shoving matches or name calling groups)
• A Roundhouse Kick to the chin from Mr. Norris (may also cause death which is still better)*
  *A special thanks to Tom, Tom Has an Awesome Site, for reminding me about this option*

Lingering effects of such an exposure include, but are not limited to:

• reading Redbook at doctors' offices
• laughing at Rosie O'Donnell's jokes
• watching and liking Fried Green Tomatoes
• singing Wilson Phillips' song "Hold On" without prompting and without external provication

Joeprah Says... User Comments (28) Favorite This Post (10)

on Monday May 5, 2008

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So, for all of those registered members out there, I have come up with another bit of innovation in the form of "The Community Blog."  The Community Blog is one part forum, one part blog, and one part totally awesome. 

Why use The Community Blog? 

• You as a registered user can now post content on Joeprah.com 

• You can use the blog to give yourself link love from Joeprah.com (a site that has a Google Page Rank of 4) whenever you like. 

• You can use the blog to talk about hot social topics in a friendly mature forum moderated by a super talented and handsome webmaster (ahem)

• You can use the blog to talk about something you just posted at your own site

• You can use the blog to write down a grocery list item before you forget

• You can use the blog for world peace

• You can use the blog to ask questions in the Joeprah community

• You can not use the blog and be totally fine, probably?,  but remember it's out there and should be fun to interact with

Enjoy this new innovation courtesy of team Joeprah.  Word!

Joeprah Says... User Comments (6) Favorite This Post (13)